The Pain of Living and Dying
by unzulaenglichkeit
Summary: Matt is writing a letter. Maybe his last one. Finished!
1. Part 1

I don't own Digimon! (strange, it's the first time I admit that ^__^ )

The Pain of Living and Dying 

Hallo, my name is Ishida Yamato and I'm writing this letter to no one in particular. This is just a desperate attempt of trying to come to terms with my life before it is too late. 

If you are wondering now, yes, I'm only a few steps away from killing myself. I may be already dead when you read this but right now I'm still alive and I'm currently trying to find a good reason why it should stay this way and therefore I'm writing this letter. 

A lot of things have been happening lately and they were greatly influencing my life. I'm not going to try to deny that I'm currently depressed after all it's not the first time that I'm feeling like that. In contrary to what people may think I never was a happy little boy to begin with. I can only remember a few occasions on which I was truly happy and the older I get the lesser they become. 

So right now my life is pretty dull. Only now and then there are some special moments breaking through this cycle of monotony and most of the time those few moments are nothing you would wish for. 

Maybe this is what you get for wasting your life and the time and patience of other people. In this short time I've been wandering earth I've made more mistakes than others during their whole lifetime. But then, who knows, my lifetime could be running out already and everything was meant to be this way. Maybe I was meant to die young. Or maybe not. 

But is this all my fault? Is our destiny something we can change or doesn't it matter in the end how much we struggle?  

Those questions are bothering me greatly and I'm starving for answers but yet at the same time I'm afraid. I fear that the answers to those questions could bring down the world I created so carefully around me. 

But maybe I should start at the beginning. 

* * * 

Well, what do you think? It's short, I know, but it's only a first step. I'm writing this fic for a very personal reason but I would still appreciate your opinion on it. If nobody wants to read that stuff or everybody thinks it sucks I'll stop writing it. 

So if you think it's ok and you want to read more: REVIEW! Otherwise I'm not going to continue it. 


	2. Part 2

The Pain of Living and Dying 

I guess it all started about two weeks ago or at least that's when things were beginning to get out of my control. 

Thinking about it now I guess I can say I should have seen it coming. It had to end this way and I knew it all along but I never did anything to take my life in my own hands. Instead I let myself drift in the stream of destiny. I never really made much of an afford to change my course or to change who I was becoming. I just didn't care and kept relying on my luck. Everything would turn out to be okay in the end. That's what I believed or more exactly what I wanted to believe. 

It was foolish of me, I know, to rely on some unseen, higher power to help me make the right decisions and to keep me from falling. I'm not even religious for crying out loud! Who did I think would watch over me? Some kind of Guardian Angel? I guess I didn't give it much of a second thought. It's just as I said, I let myself drift. 

It's not that I was too carefree. No, certainly not. I was never a careless person. Even when I was just a little kid I always thought about the consequences of my actions. Some might have thought me to be very mature for my age but I'm afraid I have to admit that I wasn't any better than any other kid my age. Sure, I was well aware of my actions and their consequences and the world around me but that didn't make me any more grown up than the others. I was lacking something essential and I guess I still don't have it. This important thing, which keeps me from growing up, is nothing but responsibility. 

What good does it do you to see what's coming if you don't act on your knowledge? I'm nothing but a coward after all. I was always looking for people I could hide myself behind. Even today I'm still using other people to take the full blast instead of me. 

But doing so didn't help to keep me from harm. It only bought me some time and made things worse. While others are growing up step by step and take a little more responsibility with each of those steps I never learned to handle my problems alone and now I have to acquire all those abilities, somebody at the age of twenty should already have, at once. 

Well, this is not the point at the moment. It only adds to the problems I have at hand. 

Like I said it began about two weeks ago. I'm studying musicology at the University of Tokyo at the moment [a.n: Let's just pretend that it is really possible because I have no idea if it is] and I'm not doing well. Why's that you may ask now. 

I guess it has a lot to do with my missing ability of being able to take my life in my own hands. Many people told me that I'm talented which, if I may add, I'm not so fond of. But I like music and since I lack any other talent I thought it's as good as anything else to study and if everything else fails I can still become a teacher. After all it's not as if a lot of talent or knowledge are needed for that. 

Anyway, even talent sometimes isn't enough if you don't care about anything and studying in particular. So, in simple words, they are going to kick me out if I fail my next test. 

Normally I wouldn't care and just lay my life in fate's hands but this time it is serious. It would be the first time I have to admit ultimate failure. Until now I could always slip through the last moment and got away with it. It wasn't a problem until now. But this time it's different. I chose the easiest way possible and did everything to avoid troubles and if I fail now everybody is going to see the real useless me. 

I'm already alone but that's okay. Having other people around me all the time is more an annoyance than a gift. I'm used to it anyway. My father, who I still life with, is hardly ever at home due to his work and as for the other Digidestined, I have only seen some of them occasionally since I broke up with Sora four years ago. 

Most of the time it's Hikari I run into since we seem to have a liking for the same places. Unlike me she has changed a lot during all those years. She seems so serious and mature now most of the time. For a while I feared she would end as an outsider and loner like me but fortunately she also kept her carefree and outgoing side. I almost always enjoy talking to her no matter how much trouble I'm having and I guess I can say she is the only friend I have left. But even our occasional encounters can't change the fact that I have grown distant to the world around me. I'm lonelier and more withdrawn than ever before. 

But now matter what I did or how I behaved people still respected me until now. I'm afraid that will end when I fail this time. What am I going to do then? I have no special interests beside music but I have to find something else if they are really going to throw me out. My future seems to crumble in my hands. Maybe it would help if I had dreams or hopes for my future life but unfortunately there is nothing. I just want to be left in peace. I don't want to have to worry about money but I have no idea how that should be possible since I can't even imagine myself working in an office or anything like that. 

I was always worried about my future life but I didn't have to face my fear as long as everything went well. Now the day has come that I have to stand on my own two feet and I feel like I can't do it. I'm not used to carrying the weight on my shoulders all alone. No matter how independent I may have seemed to others I always managed to share my burdens with somebody else. But this time there is nobody to help me and I am desperate. I don't expect anybody who hasn't gone through the same thing to understand me but everything seems too much for me now. 

What am I going to do? 

* * * 

Chapter two is done! I didn't know how to start at first but after typing the first paragraph I just kept going without thinking much about it. It just came flowing. ^__^ 

Only one or two more chapters to come. Maybe a little short but I never planed on anything else. 

I don't know when the next chapter will be up. It depends very much on my mood and how much time I have. So, the worse I'm feeling and the more time I have the sooner you will see a new chapter. 

To everybody who reviewed: Thank you! And do it again! 


	3. Part 3

The Pain of Living and Dying 

I'm wondering, how long would it take until somebody notices that I'm gone? Would anybody mourn my death or would they even care? 

They probably would. Despite all the things I have done and said they would still grieve. But knowing this doesn't really bring me any further. It only shows how little they know about me. If they saw what I am really like and how much this person differs from the image of Ishida Yamato they created in their heads to ease their worries they would think differently about me. So they wouldn't really grief over me but over a person who never really existed. 

I guess it would be the wisest course of action to talk to somebody and to ask for advises. But who would be the best choice? I don't want to worry those who I trust enough to talk about such a thing as killing myself and I would never allow anybody else to see this side of my life. 

Hikari would be my first choice. She is the one I spent the most time with lately and I think she would understand my feelings better than anybody else. But I'm afraid of the damage I could inflict by telling her. She is such a gentle person and I know how hard it already is for her to deal with her own problems. I could never forgive myself if I shattered her light and hope. No, she definitely doesn't need to know what I'm about to do. 

I'm certainly not going to talk to any member of my family. They would only feel guilty and trying to find out what they did wrong. Even in such a situation they would still remain so egocentric, of that I am sure. 

I feel sorry for Takeru. He won't understand it just like the rest of them. He was never good at understanding others people's emotions. If they are not like him he won't understand what they go through. He would be no help for me even if I really talked to him, which I'm not going to do, that's for sure. 

As for the other Digidestined I have no idea who should be able to help me. 

Taichi may be a good friend but this is this goes over his abilities. He is one to cheer you up but that alone won't do anymore. I need someone who can really help me through this. 

Sora would help me but I'm not sure if I really want to accept her offer. Too much has happened between us and I don't want to get too close with her again. It would just make things worse before they get better and I would hurt her even more than I already did. 

I guess that's it. I've never felt close enough to one of the others to ask for their help now. They have been good friends, all of them, but I never felt like I wanted to share my personal thoughts and feelings with them. They will always just be friends and I am alone with my problems. 

But maybe I should see this as some kind of test. Have I become strong enough to survive on my own? Or will I go down without struggling even once? 

Well, let's go over it once more: 

I'm useless. I'm alone. I am a coward. I have no hopes for the future. I have no friends. I am replaceable. I have achieved nothing in my life. I'm constantly hurting people. I'm feeling numb. In one word: I'm a failure! 

But I don't want to die! 

No matter how much I fear the things I'll have to face in my future I'll always be more afraid of death. If I only knew what comes afterwards. I absolutely hate going into the unknown. New things have always terrified me. I guess that's the reason why I often cling so much to the past. There, all things are static. Nothing unexpected is going to happen. Everything stays the same. Just like me. Maybe I'll never change. I may develop but all in all I'll always be the same person. Useless and alone but still breathing. 

_*_

In my heart there is a place 

_In my heart there is a trace_

_Of a small fire burning_

_A sheltering ray shines through this night_

_Although it's small, it's bright_

_But darkness is lurking_

_* _

The End!

* * * 

Well, it's short but I'm still proud. This wasn't easy for me because it's also very personal but I guess I like how it turned out (at least now). 

Maybe I'm going to write a kind of sequel but I'll have to think about it first. 

Again, thank you to everyone who reviewed! 

And to those you didn't review yet (and everybody else ^__^ ): 

REVIEW!!!


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